


Skull Fragments: A Million Tiny Pieces

by Lamia of the Dark (VisceraNight)



Category: Bones (TV)
Genre: Crack, Drabble Collection, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-28
Updated: 2015-11-28
Packaged: 2018-05-03 18:31:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 1,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5302292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VisceraNight/pseuds/Lamia%20of%20the%20Dark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a collection of drabbles, bad jokes, crack pairings, and basically any little plot bunny I couldn't get a decent-length fic out of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Why Bones?

**Author's Note:**

> These were originally written in 2008-2009. Writing quality was sacrificed on the altar of cheap laughs.
> 
> Marked as complete for now, because I doubt I will ever add anything else to it.

~ Why Bones? ~

Bones sipped her drink slowly while she waited for Booth to get back from the bathroom.

A woman slid into the seat beside her at the bar.

"You don't look anorexic," the stranger commented.

"What? Why would you think I was anorexic?" Bones asked, confused. "Not to mention, that was a really rude thing to say to someone you haven't even met."

"Okay, sorry for being rude," the woman replied, not sounding liek she was sorry at all. She leaned toward Bones and asked in a much more interested tone, "So if you're not anorexic... then why does he call you Bones?"

~end~


	2. Do you think he likes...?

~ Do you think he likes...? ~

They were all working quietly at their separate stations in the lab, when suddenly Hodgins just busted out the question: "Do you think Gormogon likes Sweeney Todd?"

"What's Sweeney Todd?" Bones asked.

Hodgins sighed.

"Sweeney Todd is a musical. They made a movie out of it recently," Angela explained.

"But what would make you think Gormogon would like it?" Bones asked, still sounding confused.

"Because..." Hodgins said slowly. He caught Angela's eye and they both broke into grins. "What is that?" he said.

"It's priest," Angela sang. "Have a little preist."

"Is it really good?" Hodgins sang back to her.

"Sir, it's too good at least. Then again they don't commit sins of the flesh, so it's pretty fresh."

They got as far as the line: "We've got some shepherd's pie peppered with actual shepherd on top" before Bones interrupted their singing with her highly scientific opinion.

"It's a song about cannibalism."

~end~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that one of Gormogon's victims WAS a priest, which is what gave me this idea in the first place.


	3. We Slept Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And my laziness really comes out in this chapter, where I didn't even bother to frame the dialogue properly.

~ We Slept Together ~

(They were all gathered in Dr. Brennan's office to discuss the current investigation. Only they were mostly just glaring at each other for no apparent reason.)

Booth: Whoa, what is all this tension in here about? What's going on, you guys?

(long pause)

Bones: Hodgins and I... slept together.

Booth: Okay, I see how that could cause some tension...

Cam: Hodgins, you boned Bones?

Bones: I don't know what that means.

~end~


	4. Not What it Looks Like

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here is just about the only chapter in this sludge pile that I am actually proud of.

~ Not What It Looks Like ~

"I've got the sketch of the killer's... face..." Angela's voice trailed off as she saw teh scene in Dr. Brennan's office.

Bones was sitting at her desk. Booth was standing to the side of the desk, holding out what was unmistakeably a pink lace thong.

Angela's mind jumped to the obvious conclusion, of course. She could easily imagine that just before she'd entered the office, Booth had been saying  _You left this at my place._  Or, if he were feeling clever this morning:  _Lose something?_

From the blush creeping over Booth's cheeks, it was obvious that he also realized what this must look like to Angela.

Bones, oblivious to the complete awkwardness of the moment, said, "Booth found Caitlin's missing underwear." Caitlin, the victim. "We'll need to have it checked for DNA and particulates..."

~end~


	5. Shorty

~ Shorty ~

Angela managed to convince Bones to go out to a club with her, to have some fun for a change.

The DJ at this particular club was playing a lot of rap and hip-hop music.

Bones leaned close to her friend and shouted (she had to shout to be heard over the music), "Who's Shorty, and why is she in every song?"

Angela would have tried to explain, but she was laughing too hard to talk.

~end~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The line that Bones says is actually something my mother once said to me


	6. You Were That Kid

~ You Were That Kid ~

"Oh, come on," Booth said. "You have buck teeth and your name is  _Lance Sweets_. You were a bully magnet in elementary school, a dork in junior high, and that guy no one would date but everyone wanted to copy homework from in high school."

"I'll concede that I was teased a little bit -  _only a little bit_  - about my name," Sweets answered evenly.

Only a little bit, cause he was that kid that everyone knew was a tattletale.

~end~


	7. Did You Ever See Fight Club?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because, that conversation COULD have gone in this direction...

~ Did You Ever See Fight Club? ~

"Have you ever seen the movie Fight Club?"

"No."

"Well, you  _should_  see it."

"Why?"

"Cause Helena Bonham Carter is HOT, and that's a good enough reason for  _anything_."

~end~


	8. Lollipop

~ Lollipop ~

"Here you go, Sweets," Booth said, handing him a Tootsie Roll Pop.

"Aw, sweets for Sweets. How  _sweet_  of you, Booth," Sweets said, sounding as though he was genuinely touched by the gesture.

Booth smirked.

"More like a sucker for a sucker..."

~end~


	9. Booth and Davenport

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lucas Davenport is from the Prey book series (Rules of Prey, Shadow Prey, Eyes of Prey, etc.) by John Sandford.

~ Booth and Davenport ~

Booth and Bones were sent to help identify the murder victims in a case in Minneapolis/St. Paul. They would be working with the local cops. Namely the agent responsible for cracking many difficult cases who also had a reputation for his unorthodox methods, Lucas Davenport.

"Davenport..." Booth said thoughtfully. "Isn't that another word for 'couch'?"

Lucas turned to Bones. "Is his first name Telephone, by any chance?"

"His first name is actually Seeley," Bones answered, completely missing the point of the joke.

~end~


	10. Sandwich

~ Sandwich ~

The body in their most recent case had been found squished between two large flat rocks.

"Ok, we found a match. Our victim's name is Samantha Mitchell," Cam announced.

"Whoa!" said Hodgins. "Someone really made a sammich out of Sam Mitch. Is that ironic, or what?"

~end~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *yells* I LIKE PUNS.


	11. Squeamish

~ Squeamish ~

"EW!" shrieked the new lab assistant. "Liquid pee got on me! LIQUID PEE!"

" _Liquid_  pee?" Cam said quietly to Hodgins. "As opposed to  _what_ , exactly?"

"Non-liquid pee?" Hodgins guessed, snickering. "So, who's going to tell the squeamish kid she's fired? You? Or are you going to make Dr. Brennan do it?"

Cam frowned, trying to decide.

"Ooh, can I do it?" Hodgins blurted out, sounding  _way_  too excited at the prospect.

"I think I'll handle this one myself."

"Aw... I wanted to..."

~end~


	12. Total Mouthgasm

~ Total Mouthgasm ~

"Have you been to that new pizza place yet? Their cheesy breadsticks are amazing," Zack said to Hodgins.

"Yes, I have. Oh my God, total mouthgasm!" Hodgins responded enthusiastically.

"What's a mouthgasm?" Bones asked, having only entered the room in time to catch the tail end of the conversation.

"It's like an orgasm in your mouth," Zack explained, although not very clearly.

"Like, during oral sex?" Bones asked, nonplussed.

"NO!" Hodgins shouted, embarassed. "It means something is delicious, so delicious that you want to compare it to sexual pleasure! And it's not a term that I think you should ever use again outside this conversation, Dr. Brennan!"

Cause then she'd probably use it wrong, Booth would ask her where she heard it, and Hodgins would end up getting yelled at by Booth for teaching it to her.

~end~


End file.
